Just a few remaining thoughts...

When crap goes down I don't have the best handle on it. Usually it sneaks up on me and this time it was no different. I still think of things and go to text you, something funny I read or something cool I found. Your number is still in my phone and sometimes when I think I might be able to fix it I go back and read the last few texts we exchanged and I have to re-realize that I didn't break anything. You did.

But, I still have a few questions that you never answered. They probably won't ever be answered, but at least then I can say that I asked.

You knew I used the combination of your middle name and your moms for Sophia's, it was your moms suggestion. You and I used to talk every day, I would even text you in the middle of the night sometimes cause I couldn't wait to tell you something. You were the one who kept most in contact with me while I was out here and I never had to worry about not having someone to talk to. I was going to get a marriage license so I could be your female pastor thingy. We made plans for the summer, plans for when I move back home for deployment. Plans for parties, concerts and trading Pokemon. We went somewhere every day when I was pregnant with Darren, saw tons of movies. Read the same books.

I'd known you since you were a Sophmore, and I've never treated you any different than anyone else. Maybe I treated you as a closer friend than anyone. But, what else was I going to do?

Where exactly did it go bad? Where did I mess up to make you so incredibly mad at me that all it took was the asking of borrowing a video game to set you off? You didn't say anything to me until I came to you about it. And the only reason I knew something was wrong is because you stopped talking to me. Where did talking every day turn into "we're growing apart". When did that happen? Even now after all the crap I haven't grown away from you. But you've grown away from me. Being high school friends is the same as being any other kind of friend. You're friends in the first place because you have something in common with that person, that doesn't change because you met in school or at work or when you're 30. And what about people you referred to as your sisters friends? What makes you think you're going to stay friends with them? All you have in common with them is your sister.

I guess, I just don't understand where the 7 years went and how one thing could make them so meaningless.

Does being an Adult mean I can't be happy?

While laying here this morning I came across something on pinterest that got me thinking, when was the last time I laughed? I'm not talking about the pity laughs when Tony's being stupid or the mom laughs when Darren does something funny. I mean, when was the last time I laughed until I cried? Or I laughed so hard that I had a six pack after?(Not really, but you catch my drift.) When was the last time I sat around with my friends for hours and we did nothing but be stupid and bounce inside jokes off each other and were still laughing about it days later?

High school, freaking high school. Or Just after. I mean there have been moments like with Tony's cousin Alex when we used to go clubbing or with Jessie and Kennedy at the movies when I was pregnant with Darren, or when I'm with whoever at sushi. But it's not like it was when we were in school. Where the hell did it go? Has life brought us all down to the point nothing's worth laughing at anymore? I mean, I really don't know if anyone else feels like this... but I can't be the only one right? Do people need other people to be happy like that? It would explain why I get so cranky out here... though so would being preggers which is a more likely scenario. I was homeschooled and was content with not having very many or really any friends that stuck around, I had my cousins. Which aside from the ones that lived with me, I only hung out with a couple of them maybe once or twice a year and the ones that did live with me were mostly too young, there was only one that was old enough to keep up.

Does adult life(marriage, kids, jobs, bills...etc.) mean I have to sit around and just be content? Does being a married, pregnant, mom mean that I'm not allowed to go out with my friends(Or even have friends for that matter...) and feel like I did in high school? There are limitations yes, of course, like I'm not going to go out with my single friends and hit on guys while pretending I'm not married for the sake of the night. There are lines you just don't cross. But if you don't need to cross those lines to have a good time then what's the problem?

Op, see I was in a rut over this and while writing I came to the conclusion of what my problem is. I was happy, all last year. I wasn't trapped living with my parents, I was finally living somewhere that I was seen as an adult and treated like one. Until someone decided that they had the right to start saying crap behind my back without asking me what the deal was and it spiraled into a story and no one would listen to the actual happenings. I became the bad guy, the one they had to watch because for some reason all the rent I paid, the groceries I bought, the weddings I helped with, the things I went out of my way to do for them became meaningless.

Sure, I can see where they could have gotten the wrong idea. But did they even take the time to listen? Something they pride themselves on doing? No. So now I've gone the completely opposite direction, I've locked myself up. I don't hang out with anyone for fear that if I do I'll be seen(and talked about) as "cheating again". Great. So I have to be a shut in because people I trusted decided to be assholes. People that are admitted to being unfaithful and there's biological proof of that fact! So if you can't be happy, you have to make it seem like everyone is in your shoes so they can't be happy either.

Do they realize that because of the events that I will blog about in detail later on, that I considered getting a divorce? I don't want one, I really don't. But for a while there I felt like all I could do was run away, because they wouldn't listen and everything that came out of their mouths was preachy, biased, hypocritical and in the case of the worst two offenders constant and asinine. Do they know that I think about everything constantly and that I have nightmares because of them? No, and they wouldn't listen even if I told them, because the few times I tried bringing up my defense it came back to bite me in the ass because opinions they had that weren't known to me before it was too late mean more to them than actual facts.

Ooooo, I just wanna punch you in the FACE!

Alright, time for some raging. I think that's about all I do in this blog... hmm, well this is the place for it. Not in the family blog..

Anyways, this rant is about my home life. Not the home I have with Tony, the one I grew up in. Sure shit went on, my family has the tendency to blow up about random stuff... You can tell I'm related to them mainly because like my family, I bottle things up until they explode. I don't get yelling, screaming, stomping around the house angry. No, my anger results in tears. I'm an emotional person lol.

So, something will happen say days, months or even years ago(I'm not exaggerating.) and when someone is fighting with someone else they will start bringing things up from when they were kids or from a month ago when they said something that was either taken out of context. Or the original context was forgotten and completely eschewed in the wrong direction. This happens a lot. Like, for seriously guys. Plus the people in my house have the tendency to either not let go of things/stick their head up their own ass/never grow up... or .... well all of the above. Also, if two people are fighting and you walk into the room... the yelling will switch over to something you've done... either days, weeks, months or even yes, years ago. People wonder why I spend all my time in my room? It's safe and no one can find me.... Of course, if the topic has switched to you and your not in the room... Whoever will come find you. It usually happens on weekends, or days off from school/work. Always when you're sleeping and not ready for a conflict. You will get violent yelling outside your door and if the door is locked, it will be pounded on until opened.

I'm not trying to put my family into a bad light. But this stuff does go on and it gets to the point where sometimes... I don't want to go back. Except, they are blood. And you can't abandon blood. I know it's been done before. But, I'm not going to be like other people in my family and not let things pass as they come.

The thing setting this rant off, is my aunt. I'm not saying any names, but anyone who knows my family will probably have an idea. And I am in just the kind of mood that I don't care if people pass this on to the person I'm ranting about. Seriously. I've really got nothing to lose.

My aunt and my mom have had issues since they were young, I've been told by other aunts and uncles that my aunt thought she was the "princess", until my mom came along. Mind you readers that my mom is number 4 out of nine. So in theory(and common sense would agree), if any of my other uncles or aunts had come along instead of my mom. They would probably have the same damn issues. Anyways, my aunt didn't spare any of her... compassion? On me, because. I am my mothers spawn. My grandma said when I was little my aunt held me up in the air and said "You need discipline!" all the while shaking me. Now I don't remember this. But maybe she's the reason I always have the urge to give the finger to "the man".... Hmmm....

I remember my aunt trying to teach me etiquette.. like setting the table, crossing ankles, no elbows on the table... Meh, weird thing to remember. But that's what I remember most... also one time I had a peanut butter sandwich and grandma was too busy to come pour me some milk... so I had to ask my aunt... she only gave me like... an 1/8 or so of the cup and when I asked for more she wouldn't give me any... so I asked my grandma again and my aunt told her she had filled up the cup half way(LIES) and that I just didn't want my sandwich anymore. So I was forced to eat a PB (Not a PB&J) without any milk... So when I wouldn't cooperate and my aunt went to go get my grandma to punish me... I tore what I had left in half and shoved it down this roll of seran wrap. No one found it until my grandma was cleaning the kitchen... but then I had to clean it up... *shudders*

Back on subject, my aunt is one of those people who like to blame their problems on other people. Most of the time either my mom, or her own 17 year old daughter. Who might I add is the ONLY adult in her immediate family. Her mom is kind of off in her own little la la land, until she isn't around to take care of a problem, usually her 5 little siblings are the cause of whatever it is. Then my cousin gets yelled at because she isn't "helping"... and by helping I mean she isn't doing the parenting job she was apparently spawned for.

So there is my first problem with my aunt, she leaves the parenting to my cousin. (Who does a FAR better job of it than her mother.)

Sure my aunt has had her problems, she had an abusive husband. They are divorced now, but that doesn't keep him from starting shit all the time. And apparently, my aunt can't handle stress... of any kind. Like once, she was studying for a test and the smaller three of her six were causing issues ((One of them is a spoiled brat and he likes to tattle on his little sisters, the other two are like the double duo of mischief. Of course sometimes they aren't doing anything and the tattler just likes to get them in trouble. Cause he's a pain like that and needs attention, that he apparently isn't getting nay other way.)) so she freaked out and started bitching to my grandma and saying how she was never going to pass this test and she was going to fail the class ((Whine whine...)) and rather than get a less than acceptable grade she was going to pack up the kids in the van and run off a cliff.

Mother of the year alert.

Needless to say, sometimes I really think my aunt is crazy. She has stood in the attic window when I've been out front of the house with my friends and glared down at me and whoever I'm with. Of course I've learned to ignore it But my friends know her as my crazy aunt who lives in the attic. Oops, now everyone knows who I'm talking about. What a shame. Her reasoning for not liking my friends? Because she thinks I'm a slut(Even though she has no proof of anything.) that all my friends are sluts. Wow, that's grade A reasoning right there. I have explained this to my friends. Thus: Crazy aunt who lives in the attic.

Now I'm about to say something nice about her, she is a smart person. SO smart in fact, that she can manipulate people.... or she tries... Oops... guess that wasn't so nice...well kinda. She has all this information about stuff like history and our family lineage and she can be pretty cool when talking about that stuff. But I've noticed, especially of late. That if you have an opinion, she will unleash this... I don't even know how to describe it... You could say something innocent on facebook like "I hate change, why does everything have to change?" and she does this thing... like guilt tripping? That will make you feel bad about having that opinion, she'll say something along the lines of "If people were stuck in a constant negative emotion, would you like them to stay that way?" And she does all her... "guilt tripping" in a way that makes her sound like a badly written fortune cookie


Now that I've described her to the readers, I will tell you the exact thing that set me off.

This afternoon a friend of my cousins came to the door, my cousin got permission to go hang out. Well, her mom didn't expect her to be gone so long so she was up bitching to my grandma. My mom heard it, and because of my aunts tendency to bitch about my mom, she went upstairs to hear what it was about. So she heard my aunt telling my grandma that her daughter was turning into her father, rubbing elbows with "the rich" (Her friend happens to be better off then our family... but that's because they don't have twelve "kids" I use that term lightly here, running around...) and only hanging out with her friends and not spending any time at home with her family.

The whole reason for this? My cousin wasn't home at that moment "helping" her mom with her mom's homework... and by helping, I mean she wasn't there doing her moms homework for her. Seriously? Pardon my language, but that's fucking bullshit. My cousin goes to the smart high school, the one directly tied to the university. She's taking classes like math higher than algebra 2... I never made it that far. I hated math, and I went to Mountain View... a non smart people school. I've heard complaints that her grades have been slipping... well shit, I would just stop if I had to do double the damn homework. I'd let my grades go down the toilet... oh wait, I never turned my homework in on time... hmm.... maybe that's why I'm a credit short of getting my diploma...

Anyway my grandma; because I didn't do everything in school "like I should have" is sort of projecting her issues with me and my school stuff onto my cousin. It's not fair. ((My grandma blames her grades on the fact that my cousin has friends, a social life is not to be had in my family. Once you have a social life then you stop doing stuff around the house... hmmm, I wonder why. Maybe because no matter how crazy your friends are... they will never be as crazy as your family...)) Now she's got twice the load. She has to babysit her mom and her siblings.

The fact of the matter is, my cousin just turned 17 and is disgruntled that she's too old for being supported by child support(Which her dad doesn't pay anyways... Father of the year.) and medicaid, but not old enough to be declared an adult, to vote or run off and get married(The last one made me laugh.). But the truth is, when she does turn 18. She's gonna walk out or run away. Whichever comes first. She'll probably end up with me, where ever I'm at and you know what?

No one will be able to get her.
I will not allow her mother visits, we will visit them. If she wants to.

Dear Auntie, you've got your head so far up your own ass that you don't know which way the sun is shining. I suggest you remedy that.

Random things about me that I didn't want to post on facebook...

In response to the recent "random things" wave, here's mine. Feel free to do your own if you want, or don't. If you do one, I'd like to be tagged though, just to know of your randomness.

1. I'm really lazy when it comes to talking to people, I would rather text than call and stalk their facebook/blog then message them.
2. Along with above, if I haven't met the person face to face before I hate talking to them on the phone... I always think they'll think I'm weird or get mad at me.
3.I love role playing. Not DnD or WoW. I go to forums and write responses.
4.I was a HUGE anime nerd before I started 9th grade/school in general. It was my life and the characters were my friends.
5.When I started public school I didn't really try to make any friends at first. I sat back and observed what would be socially acceptable, then I slowly started in with things me and the people around me had in common. Eventually I let out weird little habits and quirks that people know me for today.
6. I love people but am afraid of what they are capable.
7. I get attached WAY to easily to fictional characters, I cry when they are in emotional distress or when they die, I get super fidgety when it's intense and I talk back to the screen a lot.
8. I love people who know random facts about random stuff. I also love reading random articles on random stuff(Cracked is my best friend.)
9.I get down on myself for a lot of stuff, even though during high school I was usually all smiles and funny it was different when I was alone. That's why I spent so much time at the school.
10. I hated drama and acting in general after 9th grade because I thought you had to be the teachers pet like Sheraya to get anywhere. But Criman changed that, for the most part.
11. I don't hate drama now, but I still think there is a certain amount of sucking up you have to do to get a decent part which is why I stopped trying halfway during senior year and haven't bothered trying out for anything.
12. I don't get annoyed with people very often, if I'm annoyed with you or someone, they probably aren't on my friends list and when I talk to them I'm often having either a second conversation with you in my head telling you off for whatever reason you bother me or I'm picturing several outcomes of me doing various things to your face with my fist.
13. I can't be outwardly angry, I can be severely annoyed. But anger comes out as tears. So if I'm crying I'm either angry or sad. Either way I'm gonna blubber for a while.
14. I hate people that complain about the same thing. Even if it's months later just to complain about something. Like a toe/foot you broke months ago and never got it taken care of so now when you're feeling lazy you "break/sprain" it again. Or people that tell stories. I don't mind stories the first or even second time. But if I'm finishing your story, don't try to tell it to me a couple days later.
15. I am very protective of my friends. You can tell who they are because if two of my friends date and one of them ends up on my shit list, that means the person SCREWED up. And forget ever trying to regain my trust.
16. I love pizza, panda express fried rice and orange chicken, in n out animal style and sushi so much that I cried when I realized that these foods are back in Utah and I am stuck here with Churches Chicken...
17. I believe the military has ruined my hubby's tolerance as well as his hair. I will never forgive them.
18. There was a time when I wanted to join the military, I dressed in all camo and wore it to school.
19.I have a love for all things Camo and plaid. If that makes me manly then so be it.
20. I make faces in practically all my pictures and I hate it lol.
21. Juno and UP are the two movies I can watch every day and they still make me a sobbing mess.
22. When someone I don't like has something bad happen to them... I secretly give whatever higher power there may be a high five...
23. Even though all my problems were in high school I still miss it terribly and wish desperately I could go back to being a Sophomore.
24. I look back at old pictures of friends and cry at how much they've changed since I met them in high school.
25. There is one person I wish I could turn it all back for.
 26. I have only called two people my "best" friends. I'm afraid to put anyone else into that category because the one I have left that does talk to me does marijuana(And I feel guilty for some reason knowing nothing I did could make her stop.) and the other one barely talks to me since she went to college, she couldn't even put aside work when she was in town to see me.
27. I just realized I'm kinda depressing, lol.

My Personality... An Off Topic Rant on everything.

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about people. How their families interact and things I think have shaped my friends into what they are. But what the hell shaped me? The way I see myself is that I don't care if other people like it, if I think it's cool then so be it. But I see all these other people(not always people I know mind you) that freak out about something or freak out about the same thing over and over again... and I don't see the point. I think everyone should just go with the flow and be chill.

Some of the things that brought this train of thought on were,

T.V/Movies/Books~

Glee~ People freak out about Gweneth Paltrow being on Glee, I personally have no problem with her. I loved her character and her singing. I still don't see a problem with it. But people complaining about Glee in general bringing on guest stars or bringing new characters/plot lines. I see the same complaints over and over and I can't help but ask why? Why is it such a big deal? It already happened.Nothing you whine about is going to turn back time. I personally love everything about this show, I may not put every song on my ipod but I still like the diversity of the music. This is the one thing Sheraya has my ongoing thanks for introducing me to the show.

Avatar The Last Airbender~ The only thing I heard people bitching about for this movie were the names, really. Anytime I read reviews or even my friends telling me about it, their first reason was always "He screwed up the names." and even before I saw it I would ask how M Knight managed to do that, then I would get a big drawn out thing about Aang being pronounced Ong. I can't stress enough how stupid of a complaint I think this is, he didn't change the names. He used the PROPER pronunciation for them. Avatar is not an anime as much as I have heard this argument. Anime is the shortened name for Japanamation. Avatar is not in any way shape or form made in Japan. Therefore it is a cartoon, an American made cartoon and as Americans you may not know this. But, we tend to not know how to pronounce things the right way. Cry about it. I personally loved the movie and didn't regret buying it. Of course I must also point out that I have not seen the entire series *gasp!* I have seen probably five or so episodes of each book. I intend to watch the series but until I have the  time and the means to do so. I will happily watch my movie.

Ok, I'm probably gonna get shit for this one...
Twilight~ Oh ho ho, if you're gonna comment on "How bad this writing sucks, Edward is abusive and Bella is a stupid whore BAWWWWWWW" You can stop reading right there and get the fuck outta my space. There, did I weed all the whiners out? Anyways, I like these books. I haven't bothered to re-read them since the movies came out. But that really shouldn't matter. Yes the dialogue was... cheesy, some of the word choices mehhh, iffy. But all in all, the books made me laugh, cry and throw them across the room various times. I was one of those "No Edward why did you leave!? BAWWWWW, No Bella! You have to choose Jacob! Because you are an extension of me and I would choose the fuzzy werewolf! BAWWWWW."people, I didn't whine about it on the internet.

I wrote my own fan fiction detailing Jacobs doings after Eclipse. He falls in love with my Werewolf counterpart and they think he imprinted on her, because she sure as hell did on him. Then he actually imprints on Nessie and my character goes off and is never seen or heard from again. Which no one in the story really cared anyways after all the Bella crap. Oops, sorry people that still wanted me to write the last chapter.  I just spoiled it for you, she probably kills herself anyways. Meh.

Anyways, I still liked the books. 'Cept for Breaking Dawn. That book wasn't thought out at all. But still, I am neither a Twihard nor an ANTwilight. I simply enjoyed reading the books and being the voice of Haeden and Kellys Bella.

I don't enjoy it being brought up in real life conversation and being jumped all over for MY OPINION and having others say "You were brainwashed by the media, go read a real book" How about you go get a life and leave others alone. People complain about religion forcing itself down peoples throats and religious people as of late have retaliated with "Well gays force their sins on others!" Don't get me started on this and it may be a little off topic(this is an extreme example, people.) but you get the idea.

Also, I own all the movies so far and I enjoy watching them from time to time. Stick that in your pipe and shut the hell up.
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The Holidays~ My family doesn't celebrate the holidays. Simply put. They don't decorate, the only people that dress up are me and my cousin and her siblings, sure we have food and stuff. But my family has never really had the means to go all out. We've only had one "family reunion" type thing where all my aunts and uncles and cousins got together. It was really fun. It was for the fourth of July, I was around 9 or 10? But our family is all spread out and there have been problems in the past because no one can grow up and that means we haven't really had a reason to go all out either. For New Years, Valentines, St. Patricks, Easter and Halloween we don't really do anything. Sometimes we'll do eggs for the little kids. But as far as I can tell even that's died out.

The 4th, Thanksgiving and Christmas we have dinner, kinda. More so for Thanksgiving. If someone feels like getting fireworks and the times we've actually owned a grill we've done the BBQ thing. We don't do traditional gift-giving around Christmas. Our family is more of a "You get it when you need it." kind of people. We don't do toys most years unless they are from like the dollar store. Usually Grandma will take the kids one by one to do clothes shopping around their birthdays/school starting and then Christmas. So by Christmas we don't really have the need to do any of that "Holiday rush" shopping. I don't think we've even had a tree up since my Aunt Sarah moved to Vegas.

So even though my family has a huge blowout(for one reason or another, like I said. No one can get their head out of their ass long enough to grow up.) around each and every holiday, it's not about presents or about people not getting what they wanted. For the most part, my family is pretty chill. We don't have the pressure like other families do around this time of year.

The reason I brought this up is because I hear about families going into debt, or people being trampled to death or the suicide rate going up around this time of year. I think it's stupid. Why can't everyone just chill out? I mean, I am grateful for every gift I get, no matter the time of year. But it wouldn't matter to me if I got gifts or not. Really. Someone got upset a couple years ago because I gave them something and they couldn't get me anything, I say why freak out about it? People aren't living or dying because you did or didn't give them anything. I say chill, just have fun with your family and friends through the holidays and don't kill yourself. You really are leaving behind someone who cares for you.

On a lighter note, Tony's family celebrates everything and I love it. Spending time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins even his parents is just so much fun. Especially at their parties. (Quilt parties and Black Friday are my favorites cause it's girl talk all day lol.) I love my family and his family, they are opposites and yet the same. I love them all.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the reason I posted all this is a question that has been looming on my head for the past little bit. Am I just THAT chill? Or do I really not have any taste in anything? How will my opinions on things like the stuff above shape my kids?

So anyways, this post was kinda long. But I had nothing better to do than rant cause I can't sleep with being nauseous AND having heartburn lol.

Little things that irk me...

Now note. I didn't say piss me off. Just things that people do that I'm like "Why? Why would you do that?".


When you delete people(on facebook) that haven't talked to you in over a year except to bitch at you for something stupid. And then try to add you saying things like "I thought we were friends." Or some BS like that. Or when the same people keep adding you over and over again, you keep declining their requests.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON BY ACCIDENT! I JUST DON'T LIKE YOU!!

When you say something on a friends wall and someone else decides to put in their thoughts or opinions. That are directed at that person because of what you said.

NO ONE ASKED YOU! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!

People that invite you to events and when you say you can't go they freak out.

MAYBE I JUST HAD BETTER THINGS TO DO THAT DAY!

People that read your blog and then lecture you about something you said.

IT'S MY BLOG. YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT!

Moving home?

So, tentative plan... We're working on getting an apartment closer to Fort Leonard Wood(We currently live about 20ish minutes away... up a hill... where one side is a cliff and the other a rock wall.) IF we are unable to get this apartment, then I am going home to Utah and getting a storage unit where we will have the army ship everything. BUT! That means I have to make sure the hubby puts his leave packet in ASAP and his request for single soldier housing. Because I will be taking the car with me.

Anyways, on to more important things. In case I have not mentioned it. I am pregnant, I'm probably about 2 and a half-3 months-ish along and I am sicker than a dog. Tricare (the medicare of the military) doesn't kick in for me until the first of November, then I will go in and find out everything and will post verily lol. Despite being sick, I'm really excited! I love kids and babies, and I can't wait. My bestest buddy Danee is going to be the god-mother and she's going to help me raise a hippie baby while Tony is deployed.
Everyone tells Tony it's either going to be a girl or twins. Which he says if it's a girl we're giving it back(I told my Nickie that I'd give it to her lol) and if it's twins one to Danee and one to Nickie. Also if it's triplets(Oh NOES!) then one goes to Paige lol. Ah, I miss my friends and family. And as horrible as it sounds... I kinda hope we don't get the apartment... I really just want to go home.

It's not just homesickness... I really feel like I need to be home for some reason. I just hope, for whatever reason I need to be home doesn't happen while I'm out here.